Anticipation.

js downloading Trey Songz' anticipation. and i confess i have an infatuation with anticipation....the chords...the melodies...the transitions...whew. but the biggest reason that im diggin this album is simply because its thought provoking. listening to the first song...famous...and listening to where Trey has come from to now, you can still hear his soul. he is a man that desires love...and he appeals to the women of today through the glitz and glamour of what he has, because it is alluring to those we shall say are in the "general public" but digging deeper, think for a minute. how must it be to be famous. i have always told myself that i would be famous, and i am still determined to be, and i have a superficial need for the "general pulic" to know random facts about my life...but is the allure of that life really worth me possibly sacrificing true love, and happiness. does a fake smile for cameras on the red carpet top a real smile in the arms of your true love...does the fake laugh of a teleprompted joke supercede the true laughter you get from your hunny tickling you? ideally, a balance of both can be achieved...but how? how do you find something real in an entire world that is a facade? you can hear Trey crying out in his songs...he is in love with his perfect girl in his mind...but he has yet to find her...although the listener is mesmerized by his smooth voice, his ability to transport you to your most fluid fantasy, then back to making you feel in love with him in his lyrics you stop and wonder about the plight of a celebrity. at the end of the day they are still human, and the most basic of human needs, even to psychologists is the need for love. i guess the old age addege proves tru...money cant buy you love. it can buy you groupies and temporary companionship, but true love comes with time and sincerity...

&& I cant help it--

sooooo im finally comin to grips with the fact that im still in love with you. yea....i kno i admit it...but u dont understand the agony. everytime i see the car you drive...i hope its you, and when its not i get reckless, pedal to the metal...110 on the dash...let it come back down. the quick adrenaline bursts release my endorphins. they curb the cravings for a short time, and then its something else. the memories of us together cut like a serrated edge, each flashback, another peircing cry for you to come back, even though i kno youre my cancer. slowly killing me inside, while trying to maintain this perfect outward appearance. this facade is open for your eyes only, i was your ride or die. i played the wifey role, and you played the bay...but yet you stray away. you cant bear to be around me. you turn in the other direction. you hide yourself on campus. but you forget that i know you...you opened up to me...you were vulnerable before me, i was your diary. you trusted me with your heart, and i, you with mine. i kno that you look away to ignore the reality in front of you. well here it is...i can still feel you. i kno that there is something there...but its all good...cuz the only reason im writing this is got the ipod got me all messed up...the songs the shuffle is playin shatter the carefully balanced mask i put on. i love your smile...i miss the way you woke me up...i miss howyou would blow on me cuz u loved to hear me giggle...and your cute laugh when we watched tv cuddlin on the late night....cuz sometimes you made me smile wit the little things you did. baby js hold me...cuz your arms keep away the lonelies...when i look into your eyes then i realize all i need is you in my life....never felt this way about lovin...never felt so good...cuz u made me better...you made me push myself...you refused to let me settle...you were more than the boo...you were my friend...first. dont say no, just say yes...we dont have to go all the way, but if you want i can still take me there...we dont have to go all the way, but im sure you could still get me there...and boy did you...ha. no freakin me stuff. your presence calmed me...your voice soothed me...your advice showed your wisdom beyond your years. you were amazin. you were good for me...until you were outside of yourself. ah. there it is. your facade was our demise. guess your wisdom and your maturity couldnt supercede your stupidity. but back to the issue at hand. you and i both know something is there...and yea we both movd on...but there will always be a tie between us. the passion and emotion and loyalty and dare i say, love, between us will remain. but for now, in the meantime, back to my life, and back to yours. and js like my favorite song says, the feelings that linger...cant help it.

From the heart. Through the tears.

soooo. Michael Jackson is dead. Those might be the hardest words I've ever typed. He touched my life for as long as I can remember. Every paper I've ever written about music has had something to do with Michael Jackson. My favorite song....ever...and i mean of EVER is "I can't help it". On that long flight to Mexico the song was on repeat. In between layovers, and during the taxi rides to the airport. I loved Mike. I never listened to what people said, it never mattered. The music transcended the man, and anything he could have done. His music is influential to everyone you listen to, and watch today. Yea, Chris Brown can dance his behind off, but he learned from Mike...who learned from James Brown, but in addition to learning from a great he made it original. Mike will remain in my heart forever. His music is what made me start singing, and dancing. He has influenced my childhood, and my life in such a huge way that I feel as if my uncle has died. He was there, silently, influencing my life, working his way into the very fabric of me in something so innocent, yet profound. With his music. Music touches everyone...no matter nationality, religion, whatever. It is one of those powerful things that brings people together. Michael was rare. He was a proponent of good, clean, enjoyable music that brought people all over the world together. He was and will always be the King of Pop simply because he is iconic in everyway. From his eccentricity to his unmistakable voice. And although a huge part of music left us today, we should not feel sad. His legacy of music will hold us. He is not dead, because he lives on in a new generation touched, and influenced by him. He simply is on a permanent hiatus. And should you ever feel upset...remember his beautiful song, "You are not alone" and believe that he soul and spirit lives on in his performances, his energy, his videos, his dancing, his moonwalk, his glove, his shoes, his smile, his laugh, and most importantly in his music and his fans.

insecure.

news flash...most females at the clubs are beyonddddddd insecure. now this might not be news to you...but i def js got hip to HOW insecure they are...here's the scenario. me an the gurls...renae and india...went to ultrabar thursday after an invitation by a friend. nothin to do...we all bored...schools out...cool...we'll make that move. and these gurls js kept talkin and talkin and talkin bout us...like they not behind us and we cant hear them...then saturday...gurl gave us the dirtiest look ever cuz we had the nerve to walk in front of her. lls. who are you?! a princess? no...random broad in the club...yes, yes you are. anywho...to the point....im used to bein the life of the party for three reasons...

one->like nicki says...i only fucks wit the baddest bitches, no homo.

two->i have a nice body...and i like to show it.

three->i gives no fucks bout wat you think.

this means...if i want to shake my behind an i kno all the dudes is watching...its clearly because i enjoy bein a tease. there is not one person on this earth who is gonna make me feel inferior...therefore females should stop. yea...you got on your freshest outfit and you js too cute to dance wit niggas...you js wanna pose an sip and two step all night. not i. i did not come fresh to the club...do you kno wat happens at the club you simple bitch? people spill their drinks on you...you get sweaty, whether you dance or not...people rub on you and then you smell like their cologne...perfume...drink....sweat...smoke...etc, etc. and obviously the recession hit you too, because you were here at the get in free time as well. but here's the difference, as i imagine it, which is all that matters, im in college...paycheck is in the mail from the on campus job an i start my summer job tues...what's your excuse? doesnt matter...back to wat i was saying...the recession hit you, and you got your flyest outfit on...obviously you dont have the guap for that dry cleaning bill...tsk tsk. stuntin...thennnn...you and your lil crew got the nerve to mug on me and my chicks? well thank you very much for revalidating us. we are the shit obviously by the way you keep talking bout us, and staring. so let me let you in a secret. you do not matter in my life. i do not remember your face....your outfit...yea...it was cute...but the person in it....ummm...yea...drawin a blank. anywho. let me explain why you are insignificant...except for the fact that you annoy me, and i gave you enough thought to write this blog...

~I am doin wat i came to the club to do...dance...not sit around an talk bout other ppl. Last I checked thats what you do...dance...not stand on the dance floor...I stand around an people watch in VIP...you should too...but oh yea i forgot...the recession hit your perfect ass huh?

~Your cutting eyes only translate to my irritation. I have no confidence issues. I think I'm beautiful, I like my outfit, and this is my song...so if you happen to see me shakin and smiling...its because I'm having fun...and maybe you would be too if you didnt concentrate so much on wat me and the gurls are doin.

~Soooooooo, I guess you mad that I got hella attention from dudes that you was checkin for? You tryna book niggas at the club...While you over there callin me a slut for dancing...plz remember the definiton of a slut...for one...and for two...your high and mighty ass over there real lonely. i have no problem dancing with dudes for one cuz i got my nigga at home...an he kno where im at...he dont care...we dont have trust issues..thanks...and two...its js dancin...i will be sleepin in my bed at the end of the night.

and lets not forget...yea...i got the number of the cutie you was lookin at....wit no intent of using it...so while you hatin....maybe you should be takin notes...

Now back to your normally scheduled programming.

Happy Mother's Day

To my mommy...

Soooooooo, I'm randomly awake at 6:30 after having a blah day. This week at Salisbury was declared "Don't hate week". We were given an anonymous "Free Speech" White board where people were able to write what they wanted. So of course the SU students put hateful remarks on the board in response to some heartfelt responses. Some people wrote "Just because I play softball, I am not a Lesbian", "Just because I am black does not mean I'm violent", and "Just because I am a short asian woman doesnt mean I cant drive" Then someone wrote next to it, "Yes it does". I have pictures saying "I hate minorities," and even worse "Niggers go home". Then I went to a pool party and had fun...but I got dunked so much and so violently that I got sick and didnt go out. All I could think about was how much I wanted my mommy to be here...to make me feel better with her kisses...to soothe my pain with her soft voice...or just to comfort me with her smile and a hug. When I turned on the television this morning...(knowing nothing was on at this time) I saw a country song...(eww right?) whose words and images bought me to tears and moved me so much that I was inspired to write this that moment. I want you to watch it.... =) [click the link, or copy and paste]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIx02KnpZEw
I thought about buying you a card, but nothing can tell you how much I love you more than something that came from my heart. I appreciate you so much mommy. I love you for the sacrifices that you make, that break my heart that I cant do anything. I love you for the pain you endured to carry me and bring me forth into this world. I love you for the tough love you showed me, even when I just thought you were being a bad mommy because you werent like everyone elses mom. I love you for praying for me and blessing me, AND my friends everytime I leave to come back to Salisbury. I love you for believing in me, when I was to silly to believe in myself. I love you for pushing me to be my best, and instilling excellence in every bone in my body even when I dont care myself. I love you for lazy saturday mornings in bed when Daddy's at work watching Living Single. I love you for inside jokes. I love you for weekend trips to Alexandria and Burger King Whoppers. I love you for being the amazing, beautiful woman you are inside and out. I love you for loving me enough for the both of us. I love you for telling me how blessed and beautiful I am everyday so that I never forget or let someone take advatange of me. I love you because youre you. I imagine that you didnt feel prepared, to be a mom, and you had all types of questions about how to raise a person but I promise you, you did an amazing job. Mom, you are my best friend, you are my rock, you are my constant, you are my confidant, you are the most important thing to me on Earth (Dont tell Dad he's only #2 =) hahaha ). I love you no matter what everyday. Thank you for being you.
Love, Always and Forever,
Your one and only
Baby Girl.

fate

i write because it helps to take away the pain. but this wont go away. no matter how much i abuse myself or let others take advantage of me. the hole does nothing but get bigger. i try to be upstanding...live right...but for wat? this crossroads i am at is a blur. im trying to sleep my life away to avoid waking up to the reality that is my hell. i once wrote in a paper that when you get to college it is the time that you learn about yourself, and decide what is right....in college you have the opportunity to throw away all of the principles your parents instilled in you...you become your own person...you leave home...and make your own revelation. in the midst of trying to live perfect...which i have totally given up on...there is the opposite sex, experimentation...and watever else you personally decide to add to your "college experience" for me, there is the struggle for my identity. i am the most confused child ever. i dont kno wat i wanna be, i dont kno what i wanna do. wat i do kno is that i am starved for attention....my mother would always tell me how i beautiful i was and i believed her....therefore when some lame ass dude came around saying "shorty you cute" it was like....yea i kno....but now i find myself craving, needing, feeding off the approval of others...not girls...cuz ...wateva...i'll write you off as a hater and keep it moving...but males. of course its natural to want the approval of the opposite sex thats why we wear perfume, makeup, etc...to be eye-catching....but i found myself thinkin bout loose women....now i am NO WHERE NEAR loose...im new to the game...but i find myself thinkin bout "out of the norm" stuff. i wondered wat made loose girls do wat they do? the attention? i got that issue...check...fun? yea...check...game?....yea....check....prior rejection....yea...check...but as i reevaluate myself, i notice the same characteristics of them...i feel myself slippin away, loosin my identity, and havin the same characteristics of those who i once looked upon with disgust...now with pity, hoping to not end up with the same fate...but how do i stop myself from what appears to be an inevitable fall, struggling with desires, thoughts, and my weakness?....easy...back to bein a tease. hahaha.

Never is.

As a teenager, Love is the most important thing. Ignoring for a second the spiritual aspect, and focusing on the natural of what I feel and what I am used to, living in the world, everyone wants to find love. Our favorite music artists sing of finding love, and losing it; a huge taboo, but I dream of finding love and never losing it. I know that I am promised love, and will recieve it at the appointed time, but this requires patience; patience is a virtue and also something I have very little of. Especially when you live in this fast paced world where everything is not only instant, but about instant gratification, patience is very difficult to not only have, but maintain. But I digress. I have so many thoughts, and emotions inside of me that I have trouble expressing. I need someone to recognize me inside. For those unseen signals, when I am hurting and do not want to say, when I want you and you can tell by the way I bite my lip and bat my eyes, when I'm thinking really hard and you can tell by the way my eyebrow is, or when I'm frustrated and you rub the tension away in my shoulders. How you can tell when I don't feel beautiful and you hold me with your arms around my waist and look in my eyes and hold my face, kiss me softly and smile. No words exchanged, just a look and your love for me overwhelms me, revalidates me, makes me know how much you care. All of this and more I look for as a teenager, but know cannot happen simply because of the nature of teenagers. Although I am blessed with wisdom and knowledge beyond my years, sometimes it feels like a burden because I feel that others in my peer group, who are older than me should at the minimum know, understand, and acquise to this standard of living. But my hope, or rather demand, falls on deaf ears because it is not met, and never is.

cracks.

how did i end up at this place? this unfamiliar place in which an infatuation with an ideology grew into pain, because my unwarranted request went unanswered. how did i, miss untouchable herself, let go? i have obviously lowered my standards...for wat? to blend in? why? i was born to stand out. why have i let this happen, but better yet, how do i recover? this veil is wearing thin...i cannot continue to portray this created character...the facade must subside. the pain swelling within me with each day causes me to slip further away from myself. willing to accept anything...settling, rather than rising...making egotistical remarks and phrases to hide the pain that lies within, hoping, pleading silently for a plan "B" to end the tears...but the waterfall cannot be contained with an invisible dam anymore. the cracks in the foundation are evident, only to me, but nevertheless apparent.

Moral is.

ok....sooooooo recently....i've been like extraaaaa horny. ughh. like...feenin...itching...dreaming...wanting it....baaddd. last night/this morning i found myself contemplating about how i could get it...with who...who would do wat...for how long...when i would set it up....and how i could do this before my parents got home...so that meant within a span of....i dunno....4 hours..and like 3 guys. thinkin back now...kinda trife...but i was in a different space and time. i knew they would say how high when i said jump...and i was willing to find trampolines for these niggas...but about 24 hours later...my mind is back in control of my body...without giving in. a very close, special friend brought me back to reality...and has me thinkin...about the meaninglessness of casual sex. now...i COMPLETELY understand the need for phsyical stimulation...we're all human...basic necessity...but im now pondering about a hierarchy of stimulation types. because physical is very high...but wat about mental? emotional? where do they fall...and which is the most important? does it vary only by person...or by day to day. in general, listening to a Luther Vandross song makes you want to make love to your significant other, Jeezy makes you wanna trap....Kanye makes you wanna be stupid fly...i mean...if all these songs can sway your emotions so easily...how do they speak to you with such intensity that your mood changes? Listening to my ipod while writing this has me laughing. First Gucci Bandana by Soulja boy makes me wanna drive...and then Grippin on the bed gotta me lookin for my cellular device...but i digress...i think theoretically the hierarchy is wat you decide it is and it does change depending on your surroundings...because talking to my friend...i'm calm...because, pardon the expression...she stimulated me mentally. she fulfilled a need i had at a specific point in time. but then wat happens if we mix these stimulations together? Love. ie. if you find someone who continues to stimulate you mentally when you need it, superiorly, you become emotional...they can move from an associate to a friend...and if you are sexually attracted to them they can move to a new love interest. after the emotional aspect is covered...obviously physical thoughts arise...and if you choose to go this route and all these feelings all mix...the potential that your physical experience is the most mind blowing ever is great. experiencing pleasure at the hand of someone you are in love with has to be better than just a regular nut you needed cuz you had a hard week at work...
im rambling...partially due to lack of sleep, partially because i dont kno how to fully explain what is going on in my head, but mainly becuase there are to many thoughts swirling around my head currently.

moral is:
I'm horny, you're horny + "the parts fit" < Making Love.
Plies < Luther
Bobby V < Boys II Men
T-Pain < Jill Scott
Pretty Ricky < The Isley Brothers

Please.

wrote this cryin one night for a fallen friend.

sleepless nights enhance the thoughts swirling in my head.
i think of you, cryin, layin in my bed.
all the things i woulda told you...shoulda told you.
saddest words in the world cloak me, compress me.
fillin me with regrets.
cuz all im left with is
tears, sadness, and pain...
...runnin down my cheeks...soakin into my pillow
...bout the pics i stare at
...ful realization that all i can hold on to are memories
unbearable......agony...
forces me to fake/pretend/front/lie
distracting myself from reality...
i dont believe your gone...
you're gonna _____ tomorrow
call me...
text me...
facebook me...
myspace me...
see me at safeway...
smile at me...
come back..........
tomorrow.
right?
What if I said please?
Would you say yes then?


...please...

Invisible Reality

I hate feeling this way.....my mind is in a warp...imagining the unreal, hoping for the unseen, wanting you to feel the way i do....im too much of a punk to actually say what i feel....you gave me the opportunity...i try to ignore my feelings, but it seems like each day they grow stronger....i dont want this to happen....im soooo fragile and all i can think about is your smile, the way you smell, the way when you think sommin is hilarious you roll your eyes to the sky...but to the right first...your lil phrases...the cute way you speak...or when you try to study you bite your lip, and tap your pencil to wateva song you heard last...i dont wanna fall...not ready at all...i dont really think i kno you....i just want a chance to be let in...im knockin on the door of your heart, tuggin, pullin, && all the while im creatin && fallin for the ideology of you...i watch you when you play...puttin myself in a role thats so unfamiliar, but quite comfortable...rememberin the first song we heard together...now im hooked...i blast it on repeat wishin i could relive that moment again...all i want you to do is protect my heart...but you dont kno you have it...all these other dudes out here would get dropped...all i want is you....im out the closet to my friends...they kno im diggin you...feelin like an usher song...shorty got it badd for you B....but u got a misconception bout me....my fault...cuz forreal, forreal, i want you however i can get you...but you my weakness bay. you run across my mind all the time....i hope to catch a glimse of you on my daily walks...i daydream bout all the PoSSibIliTiEs...but the worst part is you kno i exist...and wholetime im invisible.