Refreshing

Peep this:

Its refreshing to see and hear good music.

Do you exist?

The Perfect Man

1. Honest.- If there is no honesty, there is nothing. I need to be able to trust you...day an night, through everything....I want you to share your feelings with me, and believe that I won't blow them off as you being soft. There should be an openess between us that you and I both have the confidence that we understand eachother because we don't lie to eachother. Now, I'm not naieve. I understand caveats, but this is in general.

2. Sweet.- Realize that a relationship is just that. It takes two, and when one person isn't happy the other is usually blissfully unaware of the lurking or impending trouble. If you are self-centered stay your ass single. Just as much as I need to be about me and you...you need to be about you and me as well. Ideally this is 50/50, but hindsight has me willing to be 65/35...because we all need alone time...or more correct...asshole insurance.

3. Protector.- I'm not saying I need you to be in my face and holding my hand 24-7, but I need to feel like if in that rare case I cannot handle myself, you will not hesitate to do whatever is necessary to dissolve the situation...quick.

4. Intellect.- Think outside of the box. Tear it up. Go past the obvious. Have in depth conversations with me. Challenge me...I'll damn sure challenge you. Read...Play Chess...Play the piano, write poetry...some type of activity that keeps your mind just as sharp as your body.

5. Strong.- I am proud to be a strong black woman. My mother raised me beautifully, I think. I am outspoken, I believe in equality, and I can run with the big dogs, but I need you to be stronger. At the end of the day...I am a woman...the fairer sex, and I need you to be that rock that reenergizes me when I need it...or if I decide to get bold and say something slick, all it takes is a look, and I know...

6. Ambitious.- I have goals. I know how to get where I am going. The next ten years are planned. Get like me. You need to have goals...and not only just have them, but be proactive about them. Get up and go do them...

7. Respectful.- You need to be a gentleman. Open my doors, Pull out my chair...please...thank you...You're welcome....Help an old lady cross the street. Its a turn on...it makes me look at you as a strong black man who proves that chivalry is not dead just yet.

8. Maturity.- I am not your mother. I am your companion...your other half. I do not have the time or patience to do what your mother, father, grandmother, grandfather...whatever, should have done. That means you take charge...you finish your responsibilities, etc. You want to succeed, and you don't blame others for your fuck-ups. Fuego?

9. Intimacy.- As outspoken as i am...sometimes I don't want to talk. I need you to pick up on my signals. When I am hurting and do not want to say, when I want you and you can tell by the way I bite my lip and raise my eyebrow, when I'm thinking really hard and you can tell by the way my forehead scrunches, or when I'm frustrated and you rub the tension away in my shoulders. How you can tell when I don't feel beautiful and you hold me with your arms around my waist and look in my eyes and hold my face, kiss me softly and smile. No words exchanged, just a look and your love for me overwhelms me, revalidates me, makes me know how much you care.

10. Athletic.- Lawd have mercy. This one is a bit vain. But The Lord Almighty knew just what he was doin when he created sweat. Lmao. But seriously...its just a turn on. Watch the game with me. Help me throw Superbowl parties...I may not watch every game...but believe me...I'll be there screaming at the Television...and probably louder than you.

11. Style.- I don't mean you have to wear Ralph Lauren Purple Label...although I do love it...But take pride in yourself. Look your best. A clean cut man in a suit, a fitting T-Shirt, jeans, and shoe ensemble that isn't falling everywhere is eye catching. Your hair...should be tailored...but...there is just something about that fresh cut......

12. Willing.- I mean be open. Open to try new things. There will be things that I like, that you may not have been exposed to, and vice-versa. I just want you to be open minded. Don't automatically say "no" because its out of the norm. Listen to what I have to say. Don't just shut me out or down without giving something I say thought because it wasn't your idea.

13. Family.- Big one. I am all about my family. I am loyal to the death...meaning I would probably do something really stupid in defense of a family member. I need you to be the same way. You come meet the parents...and I'm more than glad to meet yours.

14. Father Potential.- Eventually....One day....far off...I want kids...3. If we should get serious...I need to be able to see you as their father...eventually....

15. Christian.- I don't just mean..."Oh yea...my mom took me to church...I stopped goin...but I kno God exists." ummm...no. I am proud to be a Christian. I am active in my church. I need you to be there too. Not saying we have to go every week...arm in arm...but I need you to have a relationship with The Lord...outside of every Sunday, or when you need a miracle. Say Hi to Him when you wake up in the morning. He likes that...trust me. Yearn to go deeper with Him, ensuring that you will push me to go deeper and get closer to Him...Know things that we would teach our....potential...umm...kids...yea. Point blank...Know God better than you know me...cuz if not...then No God, No me. Dig?

musical devotion.

I was randomly walking back to my room last night...when the epiphany hit me...I absolutely love them. There various styles, their off beat personalities, the word play....yumm.

Ranting

So I wrote this a while ago...I just never posted it. smh. Its about my most recent ex. He put me through hell...and this is right after a fight we had...I was feeling uber shitty, and really worthless...just to set the background. so yea.

and here i am again...writin to this virtual diary. and once again...in love and hurt. how? how does this always happen? i hate being sad. i hate this feeling. i try, and i try to treat those who come in my life with the utmost respect and esteem. try to be the perfect girl. and when shit is sweet...its great...but at the same time...when its down, its down. i kno he's not who God has for me...but i'm in love..and thats why i cant get past it. blinded by love, restrained by fear, and can only be set free by...hmmm. what can i be set free by? sittin here rockin to wale...and he is speakin...i love words...and i use them as tools to get my point across, but i swear right now...and everytime i'm over emotional the words escape me. i had a good talk with the bestie, ashley, tonight. i appreciate her. she understands me and everything i go through. we talked about our dudes today, and how much that shit hurts. being in love sucks, but being in love period is an awful state im starting to believe. like...forreal...i look at myself and the characteristics that God gave me...like really...not even being in love with myself, im beautiful, i have a great body, im quite intellectual, i love sports, and video games...i dont trip off a lot...im chills...very giving, and very loyal...and there is my downfall. people take advantage of the fact that i would rather hurt myself than hurt you. i'll shut my mouth and take all the nonsense you throw. bring on the pain...the striking words...throw your best shot...i promise i can take it....i only cry alone in the dark and when it rains. i'll never let you see me down. but i hurt...im human...those who have the most going for them are usually the ones who hide the most pain....man fuck it. im tired of talkin. stay ignorant, underinformed, unitelligent, and in pain. keep holding onto others dreams. keep trying so hard to be different that you end up becoming the same again. keep sticking your nose in the air so high that you inhale the clouds and suffocate on thin air...it matches your attitude, your outlook on life and symbolizes how ignorant, selfish, arrogant, and unimportant you are.