One last cry.

candid emotion.

Hi dad.

This has to be done. I don’t know any other way to say
it. So I’ll write it. Maybe seeing it in black and white will help. You taught
me to speak my mind, and that’s what I’m going to do. Since I can’t speak to
you, I’ve found my way of making you listen.

I can’t do
this anymore. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. You are my father. I
love you for that, and I always will. But I cannot cry any more tears about our
relationship. We do not have one, in my eyes. Those are probably the hardest
words for me to write. I never imagined that our relationship would be so
strained that I would be willing to sever the small relationship I do have with
you.

I feel like a
failure in your eyes. I can never do anything right. In my eyes, you are so
controlling, you are selfish, and you are hypocritical. You don’t speak to me.
If I try to talk to you my response is an exasperated sigh, a roll of your eyes,
and then a piercing “What?” It makes me not want to be around you. It makes me
not think about you. It makes me resent you.

You are so
judgmental that I feel that I cannot trust you to listen to me, and what I have
to say. I feel that you will be so angry with me, that I just don’t bother
speaking to you about it all. I feel like you reject me and my right to be an
individual. Just because you don’t agree with something doesn’t mean that I’m a
bad person for agreeing with it; for example, my tattoo. We had a six hour
“discussion” about my tattoo. Do you know what you said to me? You called me “a
slave to the man. Not free thinking.” Because I decided to put a dedication to
you, mommy and me as a permanent reminder of how much I cherish, love and
respect my family. That hurt.

There have
been so many things you have said to me that have just hurt. And you never
apologized. You said things that a father should never say to a daughter. You’ve
called me ugly, stupid, a bitch, dumb, and the list goes on. Every mean word you
said just built up the bitterness I have for you. I’m almost to the point where
I feel like I only have one parent.

You never
realized how much you meant to me. The relationship between a father and
daughter is one of the most special, most important relationships that exist.
From the time I was small I was always “daddy’s girl.” That meant something to
me. It means I belonged to you. I was your shadow, your mini-me. I held on to
every word you said. I valued the time we spent together. I needed your love,
attention and affection.

But I got
older. And you got meaner. I still wanted to be daddy’s girl. I still wanted to
be under you all the time. I remember the first time I asked you to support my
liturgical dance at church. I was so excited that I had a major part. I was
going to be in the front, and I wanted you to see how good I was. I asked you to
come, with a huge smile on my face. You simply replied “I’ll think about it.”I
couldn’t understand why the answer wasn’t just “Of course baby girl.”

Our many
arguments while you were drunk have become a meaningless blur. Before I
understood that while you were drunk the things you said held no water, I wonder
love to hear you tell me how much you loved me, and how much I meant to you. You
always said “a drunken man speaks a sober mind,” and I took that to heart. I
believed you. I just knew that everything you said was true. But, that was
before I came to the realization that “Actions speak louder than words.”

I could never
understand why you would say or do the things you did. I felt like you had to
know that they hurt me. Various family members have said “that’s just the way he
shows love,” but that’s not love. That hurts. I always tried to rationalize your
actions. But I remember when I gave up. We were having an argument. You sat
across from me on the couch and you blatantly said “You don’t know me.” My
response was a shocked “what?” and you repeated yourself…“You don’t know me.” I
remember asking myself how I could not know you. Then I thought about it. I
guess I really don’t know you. You never offered stories of what happened in
your life. I’ve always found out things about you from other family members. You
were always so secretive.

I never
understood why you were secretive with your family. Family and home is where you
can be yourself. You are able to relax and not be judged by anyone. They love
you and support you, no matter what. I don’t know what happened to make you feel
like you couldn’t be open and honest with the people who love you the most, but
you have continued to push us away. And I must admit. I’m on the verge of giving
up. You used to say that you didn’t want me to have feelings and you tried to
raise me like a boy. I’m not a boy, and I never will be. But you almost hit the
nail on the head with the not having feelings. The problem is I don’t feel
anything toward you…just you.

I would like
us to have a relationship, and a great one, where I feel I can trust you, and
talk to you openly, but it has to be a team effort. I feel like I have been
trying and trying alone. I would like to work on this, together. This is my
outcry to you.

Love,

Your daughter
– Mia.

A lot to say.

Talking to a sweet friend, I told her that I was uninspired to write. I have never been one to take too much interest in other people’s lives. Therefore, I could never blog every day, or even on a regular basis. I always felt that people should pay attention to their own lives, therefore causing them to be the best people that they can be. However, the current state of the world has me in dismay. I always knew that I was a soul from another time period…a distant stranger whose principles did not match the ever negative turning view society had of right and wrong. Hence, my moral problem. What is the next move in this intricate chess game known as life? What do you do when you feel yourself drowning in the endless sea of liars, cheaters, and unoriginal annoying people? How do you block out the constant tug of people who are lying to you to make themselves believe their lie? What do you do when you feel like you are a preacher standing on a soapbox preaching salvation to a congregation who has soundproof earplugs in? How do you get through and reach a public who seems to be empty shells, pretending to live a fulfilled life; filling it with things that will expire because these shells have to attempt to have a purpose? What do you do when you are sick of being ignored, when you’re only trying to help? How do you move on when you have nothing else to say?

Refreshing

Peep this:

Its refreshing to see and hear good music.

Do you exist?

The Perfect Man

1. Honest.- If there is no honesty, there is nothing. I need to be able to trust you...day an night, through everything....I want you to share your feelings with me, and believe that I won't blow them off as you being soft. There should be an openess between us that you and I both have the confidence that we understand eachother because we don't lie to eachother. Now, I'm not naieve. I understand caveats, but this is in general.

2. Sweet.- Realize that a relationship is just that. It takes two, and when one person isn't happy the other is usually blissfully unaware of the lurking or impending trouble. If you are self-centered stay your ass single. Just as much as I need to be about me and you...you need to be about you and me as well. Ideally this is 50/50, but hindsight has me willing to be 65/35...because we all need alone time...or more correct...asshole insurance.

3. Protector.- I'm not saying I need you to be in my face and holding my hand 24-7, but I need to feel like if in that rare case I cannot handle myself, you will not hesitate to do whatever is necessary to dissolve the situation...quick.

4. Intellect.- Think outside of the box. Tear it up. Go past the obvious. Have in depth conversations with me. Challenge me...I'll damn sure challenge you. Read...Play Chess...Play the piano, write poetry...some type of activity that keeps your mind just as sharp as your body.

5. Strong.- I am proud to be a strong black woman. My mother raised me beautifully, I think. I am outspoken, I believe in equality, and I can run with the big dogs, but I need you to be stronger. At the end of the day...I am a woman...the fairer sex, and I need you to be that rock that reenergizes me when I need it...or if I decide to get bold and say something slick, all it takes is a look, and I know...

6. Ambitious.- I have goals. I know how to get where I am going. The next ten years are planned. Get like me. You need to have goals...and not only just have them, but be proactive about them. Get up and go do them...

7. Respectful.- You need to be a gentleman. Open my doors, Pull out my chair...please...thank you...You're welcome....Help an old lady cross the street. Its a turn on...it makes me look at you as a strong black man who proves that chivalry is not dead just yet.

8. Maturity.- I am not your mother. I am your companion...your other half. I do not have the time or patience to do what your mother, father, grandmother, grandfather...whatever, should have done. That means you take charge...you finish your responsibilities, etc. You want to succeed, and you don't blame others for your fuck-ups. Fuego?

9. Intimacy.- As outspoken as i am...sometimes I don't want to talk. I need you to pick up on my signals. When I am hurting and do not want to say, when I want you and you can tell by the way I bite my lip and raise my eyebrow, when I'm thinking really hard and you can tell by the way my forehead scrunches, or when I'm frustrated and you rub the tension away in my shoulders. How you can tell when I don't feel beautiful and you hold me with your arms around my waist and look in my eyes and hold my face, kiss me softly and smile. No words exchanged, just a look and your love for me overwhelms me, revalidates me, makes me know how much you care.

10. Athletic.- Lawd have mercy. This one is a bit vain. But The Lord Almighty knew just what he was doin when he created sweat. Lmao. But seriously...its just a turn on. Watch the game with me. Help me throw Superbowl parties...I may not watch every game...but believe me...I'll be there screaming at the Television...and probably louder than you.

11. Style.- I don't mean you have to wear Ralph Lauren Purple Label...although I do love it...But take pride in yourself. Look your best. A clean cut man in a suit, a fitting T-Shirt, jeans, and shoe ensemble that isn't falling everywhere is eye catching. Your hair...should be tailored...but...there is just something about that fresh cut......

12. Willing.- I mean be open. Open to try new things. There will be things that I like, that you may not have been exposed to, and vice-versa. I just want you to be open minded. Don't automatically say "no" because its out of the norm. Listen to what I have to say. Don't just shut me out or down without giving something I say thought because it wasn't your idea.

13. Family.- Big one. I am all about my family. I am loyal to the death...meaning I would probably do something really stupid in defense of a family member. I need you to be the same way. You come meet the parents...and I'm more than glad to meet yours.

14. Father Potential.- Eventually....One day....far off...I want kids...3. If we should get serious...I need to be able to see you as their father...eventually....

15. Christian.- I don't just mean..."Oh yea...my mom took me to church...I stopped goin...but I kno God exists." ummm...no. I am proud to be a Christian. I am active in my church. I need you to be there too. Not saying we have to go every week...arm in arm...but I need you to have a relationship with The Lord...outside of every Sunday, or when you need a miracle. Say Hi to Him when you wake up in the morning. He likes that...trust me. Yearn to go deeper with Him, ensuring that you will push me to go deeper and get closer to Him...Know things that we would teach our....potential...umm...kids...yea. Point blank...Know God better than you know me...cuz if not...then No God, No me. Dig?

musical devotion.

I was randomly walking back to my room last night...when the epiphany hit me...I absolutely love them. There various styles, their off beat personalities, the word play....yumm.

Ranting

So I wrote this a while ago...I just never posted it. smh. Its about my most recent ex. He put me through hell...and this is right after a fight we had...I was feeling uber shitty, and really worthless...just to set the background. so yea.

and here i am again...writin to this virtual diary. and once again...in love and hurt. how? how does this always happen? i hate being sad. i hate this feeling. i try, and i try to treat those who come in my life with the utmost respect and esteem. try to be the perfect girl. and when shit is sweet...its great...but at the same time...when its down, its down. i kno he's not who God has for me...but i'm in love..and thats why i cant get past it. blinded by love, restrained by fear, and can only be set free by...hmmm. what can i be set free by? sittin here rockin to wale...and he is speakin...i love words...and i use them as tools to get my point across, but i swear right now...and everytime i'm over emotional the words escape me. i had a good talk with the bestie, ashley, tonight. i appreciate her. she understands me and everything i go through. we talked about our dudes today, and how much that shit hurts. being in love sucks, but being in love period is an awful state im starting to believe. like...forreal...i look at myself and the characteristics that God gave me...like really...not even being in love with myself, im beautiful, i have a great body, im quite intellectual, i love sports, and video games...i dont trip off a lot...im chills...very giving, and very loyal...and there is my downfall. people take advantage of the fact that i would rather hurt myself than hurt you. i'll shut my mouth and take all the nonsense you throw. bring on the pain...the striking words...throw your best shot...i promise i can take it....i only cry alone in the dark and when it rains. i'll never let you see me down. but i hurt...im human...those who have the most going for them are usually the ones who hide the most pain....man fuck it. im tired of talkin. stay ignorant, underinformed, unitelligent, and in pain. keep holding onto others dreams. keep trying so hard to be different that you end up becoming the same again. keep sticking your nose in the air so high that you inhale the clouds and suffocate on thin air...it matches your attitude, your outlook on life and symbolizes how ignorant, selfish, arrogant, and unimportant you are.

Bring it back

Ok. Its been MORE than a hot minute since I been on here. As this month ends...and my birth month begins {{yay me}} I'm gonna blog more...not just about what goes on in the lives of celebs...but what goes on in my life...your life...things you wanna talk about. This is my virtual diary. This is how I feel...unscripted...uncensored... This is my craziness, my pain, my joy, my randomness, my good/bad, highs and lows.

This is me.

This is my life.

This is how I see it.

Again.