cracks.

how did i end up at this place? this unfamiliar place in which an infatuation with an ideology grew into pain, because my unwarranted request went unanswered. how did i, miss untouchable herself, let go? i have obviously lowered my standards...for wat? to blend in? why? i was born to stand out. why have i let this happen, but better yet, how do i recover? this veil is wearing thin...i cannot continue to portray this created character...the facade must subside. the pain swelling within me with each day causes me to slip further away from myself. willing to accept anything...settling, rather than rising...making egotistical remarks and phrases to hide the pain that lies within, hoping, pleading silently for a plan "B" to end the tears...but the waterfall cannot be contained with an invisible dam anymore. the cracks in the foundation are evident, only to me, but nevertheless apparent.

Moral is.

ok....sooooooo recently....i've been like extraaaaa horny. ughh. like...feenin...itching...dreaming...wanting it....baaddd. last night/this morning i found myself contemplating about how i could get it...with who...who would do wat...for how long...when i would set it up....and how i could do this before my parents got home...so that meant within a span of....i dunno....4 hours..and like 3 guys. thinkin back now...kinda trife...but i was in a different space and time. i knew they would say how high when i said jump...and i was willing to find trampolines for these niggas...but about 24 hours later...my mind is back in control of my body...without giving in. a very close, special friend brought me back to reality...and has me thinkin...about the meaninglessness of casual sex. now...i COMPLETELY understand the need for phsyical stimulation...we're all human...basic necessity...but im now pondering about a hierarchy of stimulation types. because physical is very high...but wat about mental? emotional? where do they fall...and which is the most important? does it vary only by person...or by day to day. in general, listening to a Luther Vandross song makes you want to make love to your significant other, Jeezy makes you wanna trap....Kanye makes you wanna be stupid fly...i mean...if all these songs can sway your emotions so easily...how do they speak to you with such intensity that your mood changes? Listening to my ipod while writing this has me laughing. First Gucci Bandana by Soulja boy makes me wanna drive...and then Grippin on the bed gotta me lookin for my cellular device...but i digress...i think theoretically the hierarchy is wat you decide it is and it does change depending on your surroundings...because talking to my friend...i'm calm...because, pardon the expression...she stimulated me mentally. she fulfilled a need i had at a specific point in time. but then wat happens if we mix these stimulations together? Love. ie. if you find someone who continues to stimulate you mentally when you need it, superiorly, you become emotional...they can move from an associate to a friend...and if you are sexually attracted to them they can move to a new love interest. after the emotional aspect is covered...obviously physical thoughts arise...and if you choose to go this route and all these feelings all mix...the potential that your physical experience is the most mind blowing ever is great. experiencing pleasure at the hand of someone you are in love with has to be better than just a regular nut you needed cuz you had a hard week at work...
im rambling...partially due to lack of sleep, partially because i dont kno how to fully explain what is going on in my head, but mainly becuase there are to many thoughts swirling around my head currently.

moral is:
I'm horny, you're horny + "the parts fit" < Making Love.
Plies < Luther
Bobby V < Boys II Men
T-Pain < Jill Scott
Pretty Ricky < The Isley Brothers

Please.

wrote this cryin one night for a fallen friend.

sleepless nights enhance the thoughts swirling in my head.
i think of you, cryin, layin in my bed.
all the things i woulda told you...shoulda told you.
saddest words in the world cloak me, compress me.
fillin me with regrets.
cuz all im left with is
tears, sadness, and pain...
...runnin down my cheeks...soakin into my pillow
...bout the pics i stare at
...ful realization that all i can hold on to are memories
unbearable......agony...
forces me to fake/pretend/front/lie
distracting myself from reality...
i dont believe your gone...
you're gonna _____ tomorrow
call me...
text me...
facebook me...
myspace me...
see me at safeway...
smile at me...
come back..........
tomorrow.
right?
What if I said please?
Would you say yes then?


...please...

Invisible Reality

I hate feeling this way.....my mind is in a warp...imagining the unreal, hoping for the unseen, wanting you to feel the way i do....im too much of a punk to actually say what i feel....you gave me the opportunity...i try to ignore my feelings, but it seems like each day they grow stronger....i dont want this to happen....im soooo fragile and all i can think about is your smile, the way you smell, the way when you think sommin is hilarious you roll your eyes to the sky...but to the right first...your lil phrases...the cute way you speak...or when you try to study you bite your lip, and tap your pencil to wateva song you heard last...i dont wanna fall...not ready at all...i dont really think i kno you....i just want a chance to be let in...im knockin on the door of your heart, tuggin, pullin, && all the while im creatin && fallin for the ideology of you...i watch you when you play...puttin myself in a role thats so unfamiliar, but quite comfortable...rememberin the first song we heard together...now im hooked...i blast it on repeat wishin i could relive that moment again...all i want you to do is protect my heart...but you dont kno you have it...all these other dudes out here would get dropped...all i want is you....im out the closet to my friends...they kno im diggin you...feelin like an usher song...shorty got it badd for you B....but u got a misconception bout me....my fault...cuz forreal, forreal, i want you however i can get you...but you my weakness bay. you run across my mind all the time....i hope to catch a glimse of you on my daily walks...i daydream bout all the PoSSibIliTiEs...but the worst part is you kno i exist...and wholetime im invisible.