fate

i write because it helps to take away the pain. but this wont go away. no matter how much i abuse myself or let others take advantage of me. the hole does nothing but get bigger. i try to be upstanding...live right...but for wat? this crossroads i am at is a blur. im trying to sleep my life away to avoid waking up to the reality that is my hell. i once wrote in a paper that when you get to college it is the time that you learn about yourself, and decide what is right....in college you have the opportunity to throw away all of the principles your parents instilled in you...you become your own person...you leave home...and make your own revelation. in the midst of trying to live perfect...which i have totally given up on...there is the opposite sex, experimentation...and watever else you personally decide to add to your "college experience" for me, there is the struggle for my identity. i am the most confused child ever. i dont kno wat i wanna be, i dont kno what i wanna do. wat i do kno is that i am starved for attention....my mother would always tell me how i beautiful i was and i believed her....therefore when some lame ass dude came around saying "shorty you cute" it was like....yea i kno....but now i find myself craving, needing, feeding off the approval of others...not girls...cuz ...wateva...i'll write you off as a hater and keep it moving...but males. of course its natural to want the approval of the opposite sex thats why we wear perfume, makeup, etc...to be eye-catching....but i found myself thinkin bout loose women....now i am NO WHERE NEAR loose...im new to the game...but i find myself thinkin bout "out of the norm" stuff. i wondered wat made loose girls do wat they do? the attention? i got that issue...check...fun? yea...check...game?....yea....check....prior rejection....yea...check...but as i reevaluate myself, i notice the same characteristics of them...i feel myself slippin away, loosin my identity, and havin the same characteristics of those who i once looked upon with disgust...now with pity, hoping to not end up with the same fate...but how do i stop myself from what appears to be an inevitable fall, struggling with desires, thoughts, and my weakness?....easy...back to bein a tease. hahaha.

Never is.

As a teenager, Love is the most important thing. Ignoring for a second the spiritual aspect, and focusing on the natural of what I feel and what I am used to, living in the world, everyone wants to find love. Our favorite music artists sing of finding love, and losing it; a huge taboo, but I dream of finding love and never losing it. I know that I am promised love, and will recieve it at the appointed time, but this requires patience; patience is a virtue and also something I have very little of. Especially when you live in this fast paced world where everything is not only instant, but about instant gratification, patience is very difficult to not only have, but maintain. But I digress. I have so many thoughts, and emotions inside of me that I have trouble expressing. I need someone to recognize me inside. For those unseen signals, when I am hurting and do not want to say, when I want you and you can tell by the way I bite my lip and bat my eyes, when I'm thinking really hard and you can tell by the way my eyebrow is, or when I'm frustrated and you rub the tension away in my shoulders. How you can tell when I don't feel beautiful and you hold me with your arms around my waist and look in my eyes and hold my face, kiss me softly and smile. No words exchanged, just a look and your love for me overwhelms me, revalidates me, makes me know how much you care. All of this and more I look for as a teenager, but know cannot happen simply because of the nature of teenagers. Although I am blessed with wisdom and knowledge beyond my years, sometimes it feels like a burden because I feel that others in my peer group, who are older than me should at the minimum know, understand, and acquise to this standard of living. But my hope, or rather demand, falls on deaf ears because it is not met, and never is.