fate

i write because it helps to take away the pain. but this wont go away. no matter how much i abuse myself or let others take advantage of me. the hole does nothing but get bigger. i try to be upstanding...live right...but for wat? this crossroads i am at is a blur. im trying to sleep my life away to avoid waking up to the reality that is my hell. i once wrote in a paper that when you get to college it is the time that you learn about yourself, and decide what is right....in college you have the opportunity to throw away all of the principles your parents instilled in you...you become your own person...you leave home...and make your own revelation. in the midst of trying to live perfect...which i have totally given up on...there is the opposite sex, experimentation...and watever else you personally decide to add to your "college experience" for me, there is the struggle for my identity. i am the most confused child ever. i dont kno wat i wanna be, i dont kno what i wanna do. wat i do kno is that i am starved for attention....my mother would always tell me how i beautiful i was and i believed her....therefore when some lame ass dude came around saying "shorty you cute" it was like....yea i kno....but now i find myself craving, needing, feeding off the approval of others...not girls...cuz ...wateva...i'll write you off as a hater and keep it moving...but males. of course its natural to want the approval of the opposite sex thats why we wear perfume, makeup, etc...to be eye-catching....but i found myself thinkin bout loose women....now i am NO WHERE NEAR loose...im new to the game...but i find myself thinkin bout "out of the norm" stuff. i wondered wat made loose girls do wat they do? the attention? i got that issue...check...fun? yea...check...game?....yea....check....prior rejection....yea...check...but as i reevaluate myself, i notice the same characteristics of them...i feel myself slippin away, loosin my identity, and havin the same characteristics of those who i once looked upon with disgust...now with pity, hoping to not end up with the same fate...but how do i stop myself from what appears to be an inevitable fall, struggling with desires, thoughts, and my weakness?....easy...back to bein a tease. hahaha.