One last cry.

candid emotion.

Hi dad.

This has to be done. I don’t know any other way to say
it. So I’ll write it. Maybe seeing it in black and white will help. You taught
me to speak my mind, and that’s what I’m going to do. Since I can’t speak to
you, I’ve found my way of making you listen.

I can’t do
this anymore. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. You are my father. I
love you for that, and I always will. But I cannot cry any more tears about our
relationship. We do not have one, in my eyes. Those are probably the hardest
words for me to write. I never imagined that our relationship would be so
strained that I would be willing to sever the small relationship I do have with
you.

I feel like a
failure in your eyes. I can never do anything right. In my eyes, you are so
controlling, you are selfish, and you are hypocritical. You don’t speak to me.
If I try to talk to you my response is an exasperated sigh, a roll of your eyes,
and then a piercing “What?” It makes me not want to be around you. It makes me
not think about you. It makes me resent you.

You are so
judgmental that I feel that I cannot trust you to listen to me, and what I have
to say. I feel that you will be so angry with me, that I just don’t bother
speaking to you about it all. I feel like you reject me and my right to be an
individual. Just because you don’t agree with something doesn’t mean that I’m a
bad person for agreeing with it; for example, my tattoo. We had a six hour
“discussion” about my tattoo. Do you know what you said to me? You called me “a
slave to the man. Not free thinking.” Because I decided to put a dedication to
you, mommy and me as a permanent reminder of how much I cherish, love and
respect my family. That hurt.

There have
been so many things you have said to me that have just hurt. And you never
apologized. You said things that a father should never say to a daughter. You’ve
called me ugly, stupid, a bitch, dumb, and the list goes on. Every mean word you
said just built up the bitterness I have for you. I’m almost to the point where
I feel like I only have one parent.

You never
realized how much you meant to me. The relationship between a father and
daughter is one of the most special, most important relationships that exist.
From the time I was small I was always “daddy’s girl.” That meant something to
me. It means I belonged to you. I was your shadow, your mini-me. I held on to
every word you said. I valued the time we spent together. I needed your love,
attention and affection.

But I got
older. And you got meaner. I still wanted to be daddy’s girl. I still wanted to
be under you all the time. I remember the first time I asked you to support my
liturgical dance at church. I was so excited that I had a major part. I was
going to be in the front, and I wanted you to see how good I was. I asked you to
come, with a huge smile on my face. You simply replied “I’ll think about it.”I
couldn’t understand why the answer wasn’t just “Of course baby girl.”

Our many
arguments while you were drunk have become a meaningless blur. Before I
understood that while you were drunk the things you said held no water, I wonder
love to hear you tell me how much you loved me, and how much I meant to you. You
always said “a drunken man speaks a sober mind,” and I took that to heart. I
believed you. I just knew that everything you said was true. But, that was
before I came to the realization that “Actions speak louder than words.”

I could never
understand why you would say or do the things you did. I felt like you had to
know that they hurt me. Various family members have said “that’s just the way he
shows love,” but that’s not love. That hurts. I always tried to rationalize your
actions. But I remember when I gave up. We were having an argument. You sat
across from me on the couch and you blatantly said “You don’t know me.” My
response was a shocked “what?” and you repeated yourself…“You don’t know me.” I
remember asking myself how I could not know you. Then I thought about it. I
guess I really don’t know you. You never offered stories of what happened in
your life. I’ve always found out things about you from other family members. You
were always so secretive.

I never
understood why you were secretive with your family. Family and home is where you
can be yourself. You are able to relax and not be judged by anyone. They love
you and support you, no matter what. I don’t know what happened to make you feel
like you couldn’t be open and honest with the people who love you the most, but
you have continued to push us away. And I must admit. I’m on the verge of giving
up. You used to say that you didn’t want me to have feelings and you tried to
raise me like a boy. I’m not a boy, and I never will be. But you almost hit the
nail on the head with the not having feelings. The problem is I don’t feel
anything toward you…just you.

I would like
us to have a relationship, and a great one, where I feel I can trust you, and
talk to you openly, but it has to be a team effort. I feel like I have been
trying and trying alone. I would like to work on this, together. This is my
outcry to you.

Love,

Your daughter
– Mia.