&& I cant help it--

sooooo im finally comin to grips with the fact that im still in love with you. yea....i kno i admit it...but u dont understand the agony. everytime i see the car you drive...i hope its you, and when its not i get reckless, pedal to the metal...110 on the dash...let it come back down. the quick adrenaline bursts release my endorphins. they curb the cravings for a short time, and then its something else. the memories of us together cut like a serrated edge, each flashback, another peircing cry for you to come back, even though i kno youre my cancer. slowly killing me inside, while trying to maintain this perfect outward appearance. this facade is open for your eyes only, i was your ride or die. i played the wifey role, and you played the bay...but yet you stray away. you cant bear to be around me. you turn in the other direction. you hide yourself on campus. but you forget that i know you...you opened up to me...you were vulnerable before me, i was your diary. you trusted me with your heart, and i, you with mine. i kno that you look away to ignore the reality in front of you. well here it is...i can still feel you. i kno that there is something there...but its all good...cuz the only reason im writing this is got the ipod got me all messed up...the songs the shuffle is playin shatter the carefully balanced mask i put on. i love your smile...i miss the way you woke me up...i miss howyou would blow on me cuz u loved to hear me giggle...and your cute laugh when we watched tv cuddlin on the late night....cuz sometimes you made me smile wit the little things you did. baby js hold me...cuz your arms keep away the lonelies...when i look into your eyes then i realize all i need is you in my life....never felt this way about lovin...never felt so good...cuz u made me better...you made me push myself...you refused to let me settle...you were more than the boo...you were my friend...first. dont say no, just say yes...we dont have to go all the way, but if you want i can still take me there...we dont have to go all the way, but im sure you could still get me there...and boy did you...ha. no freakin me stuff. your presence calmed me...your voice soothed me...your advice showed your wisdom beyond your years. you were amazin. you were good for me...until you were outside of yourself. ah. there it is. your facade was our demise. guess your wisdom and your maturity couldnt supercede your stupidity. but back to the issue at hand. you and i both know something is there...and yea we both movd on...but there will always be a tie between us. the passion and emotion and loyalty and dare i say, love, between us will remain. but for now, in the meantime, back to my life, and back to yours. and js like my favorite song says, the feelings that linger...cant help it.